it's been forever and a day since my last entry....i think i say that in the beginning of all my entries, maybe not, but i write so sporadically, it's kinda lame.  Anywho tonight-less than jake concert.  1. they put on a really good show, very crowd pleasing, high energy, tons of fun.   2. i felt really awkward/out of place because A. it was my first punk show, and B. besides the parents, Mark and i were totally the oldest people there.  The whole time all i could think about was that these kids were walking by me and being like..What's this old dude doing here??? 3. I hate the smell of punk shows.......MORE PUNKS SHOULD SHOWER/DEODERIZE.  4. they were giving out book covers with there name on them, that's when i really felt old the most.  Fucking book covers!!!!!  It made me think of being in high school....ahh high school a time when things were simpler but just as sucky....sometimes i look back on those days and thank god that i don't ever have to do that again!!!  So ai just have one conclusion to draw from this whole experience.....it would have been a much better show if i had had a 40 or 2 in me, and also if loryn had made it on time/katelyn and christine were actually there.    
Overall Rating:  three and a half out of 5 stars.

Other things in life that are worth mentioning....
MY NEW JOB!!!!!
     I'm working at PNC PFPC  in the wire transfer department.  NO i don't work in an actual bank, i work in a big office building that's on the opposite side of 95 from the airport.  The dress code is really casual....i think i might even be able to get away with wearing jeans, but i'm not really certain of that yet.  I'm getting 25k/year, medical and dental coverage, life insurance, and the best part of all is that my benefits cover mark as well!!!!!!
Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars, so far.

Things that suck right now:
MY FUCKING BROTHER GOT ENGAGED!!!
     Could anything more recockulous happen?  The worst part is that i'm gonna have to go to it...I'm sure that my Mom already knows that i don't want to go...because she knows why i don't....and she's prolly gonna make me go anyway.  That's not the biggest issue though-the big issue is that I'm really scared that i may actually be asked to be in this wedding....and that is something that i just cannot do....there is no way in hell that that would ever happen.   You would have to give me a whole bunch of fucking pills to make me pass whenever i would have to do anything wedding realated, and then somehow consturct some sort of contraption that would allow me to move around and respond as an actual person, but still allow me to be passed out and unconscious of all events that are happening.  That sounds like a pretty expensive process, so i think that if i'm asked i would just explain that because of that tiny stipulation, it just wouldn't be cost effective to have me be a part of this wedding.  That is if this whole thing actually happens.  I have to give my brother some credit, i think that he realized that he spent way too much time in his relationship with lauren letting her get to know him...he's only been dating meghann for like 13 months, so she hasn't found out that he is completely insaine.  I think he may have actually realized that he needs to lock her into marriage before she finds out he's a loony toons, so that she will just think that he just started going crazy, and will stay with him....Sorry no, i totally take that back.  I don't know what i was thinking, my brother is not smart enough to think like that...he probably thinks that he's not crazy.  He's so stupid, he probably just doesn't understand that he's a psycho. 
Overall rating:  no stars!!!! no stars at all-ever!

Ok, so now that i got that out of my system, again (and i'll proably need to vent about it 3 more times before i'm actually over this whole sitch) let's review:

-Less Than Jake:  Good, but not great
-My new job:  def 2 thumbs up, enthusiasm optional                  
-Brother's engagement:THE FUCKING WORST THING EVER.  EVEN WORSE THAN REALIZING THAT THE REST OF MY FAMILY THINKS HE'S MORE THAN JUST A SCUZY LUMP OF FLESH TAKING UP PRECIOUS SPACE AND NATURAL RESOURCES THAT THE WORLD COULD BE GIVING TO SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY DISERVES TO HAVE THEM.   te-he

i'm out

Last night was sooooo totally major...Totally!!!!

Loryn threw an awesome 80's party, and I had such a good time.  It was really a big deal for me, because I'm trying not to drink or smoke etc. and most everybody was really drunk, so i felt kind of jeleous, but i de. got over it, because i had such a good time!  I don't need to be drunk/stoned/both to have fun, i just need everybody else to be, haha.  But honestly, I had an amazing time.  It was such a great party, and the cops didn't even arrest anybody, mostly because Loryn was wearing a super hot outfit, and they loved it!  Mark and John actually like hung out and cleared the air between them....Which makes me soooooo super happy, becuase i'm really glad that John and I are friends again, and now we can all hang out together, and be gay, and have fun!!!! YAY!!!!!!  hmmmm so let's see....highlights of the party:

-Team gay ruled the flip cup table, and everybody else decided to stop playing because of it!
-Dancing/singing in the kitchen.
-The cops coming and going.
-Christine's "plaid" flip lops
-Loryn's invincible hair
-Cigarette's in the bathroom (with the shower  running).
-too rah loo rah too rah loo rah aaaaaaa
-Katelyn's awesome 80's outfit
-Chip's & salsa and mac & cheese compliments of   Doley.
-John splashin beer in suzy's face, so that he could get the tv remote.

So much fun stuff happened last night.  Thanks Loryn, for a great fucking party!

blah...i hate this
it comes and goes sometimes it's bad, and other times it's really bad.  Right now, it's the worst.  I feel so icky...i have this really bad, gross, awkward feeling in my stomache, and it goes all the way up to my chest.  It's like a lot of pressure like something pushing down on my chest, and i hate it. I feel like shit, and all i want to do is sleep for like 2 weeks.  I miss Mark so much, i never get this bad when he's around.  I hate that he's gone so much, it was nice to have some just matt time...but he's been gone so long, and i'm totally falling to pieces....completely.  I just can't keep it together when he's not around.  It makes me feel really pathetic that i can't stand on my own.  I feel so dependant-or maybe co-dependant...i don't know, but there are definately dependancy issues going on here.  I really suck at taking care o myself, I really do.  The last time i had to take care of myself all i did was drugs and have sex....i did so shitty at school, and then i dropped out....i totally diserve a big pat on the back for that...good job matt!  And now look at me...Mark goes away 4 days a week and i can't do anything! I'm so mad at me......I can't do anymore thinking right now....nothing good is coming out of my head, and i'm upsetting myself even more. 
bed time.

Holla,

it's been quite a while, and i must say that i really miss my xanga.  Upon the specific request of Christine....this is an update!  First of all, i would like address the insainly high cell phone bill that's sitting on my kitchen table.  Mark managed to rack up almost $150 in text messaging charges!!!!!!! I understand that he is stuck in MD all week and he is bored, but i fucking told him that he had to not go crazy with the text messages, and the instant messages.  I FUCKING TOLD HIM!!!!! the worst is that he just yesterday was yelling at me for paying the rent late casuing a $35 late charge....and then this!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  He was right to yell at me about the rent because we don't have that $35 to pay, we obviously don't have $150!!!!!! And now he's back in MD so i can't even yell at him about it.  i'm so angry.  I am also angry becuase the paycheck that should have been in my hands on saturday, is just today ready for me to pick up. Thanks a bunch Barb!!!(my boss). 

Things that are good...there's beer in my fridge. I'm going to the shore thiss week for a really good grad. party.  John is working with me and we are getting along quite well, which is good, because i really liked being friends with him, and we were really good friends when we were.  Also my kitty, Delulah, has become really affectionate in the past few weeks, and i really love it.  She is all excited to see me when i get home from work....she totally is waiting at the door, cuz she can hear me coming, and she rubs all up on my legs and stuff....sooooo cute!  I love her to tiny little pieces. 

Things that i miss in my life....
(a top 5 list-in random order)
1. Mark
2. the drum circle
3. Richard Simmons
4. a steady supply of pot
5. new episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

If anybody is reading this who has pot, you should come to my house right now-well call first-and smoke it with me, because I would like to be high.

ahhhhh

so I totally hate rain.  It's literally killing me.  I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself anymore....it brings me down so low, i can't deal! 

So let's talk about last night...Loryn was sooooooo drunk she fell about 73 times, and she even took out doley once.  But Christine's party was totally fun.  We didn't get there till later though because Mark and I were at a graduation party for one Devin Manion, (she used to live across the street from Mark when they were kids).  They lie in a Delaware in a stupid hick town....sucks for them, but they do have a nice house.  The highlight of that party was def. when Mark's dad and I snuck out to the car to smoke a couple bowls.  It was fun and exciting because it was the first time that him and i had ever smoked by ourselves, and also we talked a lot and had good conversations....well actually he talked a lot more than i did, but i'm used to that now.  It's still kind of tuff for me do deal with not being the talkitive one...but it's ok. 

Now...onto what's being depressing me for the past couple of weeks.  School is out.  Why is that so depressing for me?  Because i should be having summer vacation....but instead i'm not becasue i don't go to school because I am a futureless loser.  At this point i'm so far away from being able to go to school, both money-wise and brain-wise, that when i actually can go back i think i will be about 45.  I should be starting my senior year of college this fall, but instead i'm living in an apartment i can hardly afford to pay for...with no food cuz i'm too poor and i work as a filer for a whopping $8.50 an hour.  I am going nowhere in life, and I don't know how to stop.  I wake up everyday and go to work and then i come home and i do nothing....i hate my life so much right now. 

Here's what should happen to me:(my version of fantasy future)
-I'm going to call Mark's Uncle Tom and remind him of his drunken promise to give me free dental work.  I will go in and he will fill all 30 of my cavaties and replace the tooth that is half missing, as well as whiten them so that when i smile traffic doesn't slow down.
-I will audition for American Idol.  My charismatic personality and perectly white smile will instantly win all three judges over and they will make sure that i have a place in the top ten.
-After a very successful season on American Idol (Where I will most likely be voted off 3rd or 4th)  A major record label will sign me-so that i still get to make an album, but i don't have to deal with all the effort that is being the American idol i.e. 14 hour days of nothing but stupid interviews on dumb radio shows and good morning america-and then the t.v. and movie roles will start pouring in because all of America will love me so so much! 
-I love you too America, let's be friends forever.